Cookie's Blog

2011-11-26T14:08:00.001+02:00

I suppose those tests I took a while ago were right. And I hate it, I hate feeling this way every single day, I hate needing someone else to feel happy, I hate depending on someone else for balance, stability and joy. I hate the feelings that I have.

2011-11-01T18:28:00.001+02:00

And I'm still with you cuz I love you more than anything else in the world.

2011-09-15T21:00:00.000+03:00

Nu pot sa ma lupt cu prioritatile tale daca nu fac parte din ele.

watch my back so I make sure you're right behind me as before

2011-08-20T01:32:00.000+03:00

Lykke Li - 'Sadness Is a Blessing' (Director Tarik Saleh)

2011-08-19T22:56:00.000+03:00

The deep and dying breath.

2011-08-19T22:43:00.000+03:00

2011-08-03T19:14:00.000+03:00

Give me one more medicated peaceful moment....

* ma duc sa caut berea *

2011-07-20T02:51:00.000+03:00

I wish ketonal was perfect for any kind of pain.

2011-07-16T04:32:00.000+03:00

I won't be there for you to hurt me anymore. Goodbye.

2011-07-04T15:15:00.000+03:00

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The waking up is the hardest part.

2011-07-04T01:05:00.002+03:00

Others think they're lucky when I talk to them. You think you're lucky when I don't. Others think they'd be really lucky to kiss me. You.... oh I don't even want to say it.

2011-06-25T01:09:00.001+03:00

Sometimes I just hate being in love.

Despre mine si motivatie

2011-06-24T00:24:00.003+03:00

Motivatia negativa- nu funtioneaza in cazul meu. Nu face decat sa ma descurajeze, sa ma faca sa cred ca orice efort e oricum o pierdere de timp pentru ca nu voi reusi sa fac nimic

Neutralitatea- e chiar ok. Pot sa ma descurc cu o persoana care nu ma motiveaza in vreun fel, care ma lasa cu propriile motive, motivatii si nevoi.

Motivatia pozitiva- sub influenta ei obtin cele mai bune rezultate, incurajarile fac minuni.

Mai nou am inceput sa " sufar" de motivatie cognitiva, ceea ce e ceva nou, dar in continuare predomina cea afectiva.

Sunt o simpla fiinta care functioneaza bine pe sentimente pozitive.

About exams and academic future

2011-06-23T18:24:00.003+03:00

I'll take my first exam on Monday, followed by two more, on Wednesday and Friday and I started panicking. I feel that I don't have enough time to study as much as I would like to, but on the other hand I am confident and I know that passing the exams will not be a problem and that with a bit of extra work the following days I'll do just fine. But I still am nervous, more nervous than I've ever been before an exam. Sometimes I'm happy I spend my time writing so no one can notice that my hands are trembling and so are my legs, that I feel as if I can't stand on my own two feet. Therefore, I sit down when I study and keep my hands busy with books and pens.

On a different note, a thing that makes me very happy is that, after an inner debate between Creative Writing and Psychology, I decided I love both just as much and that I'll do everything in my power to study both of them when I go to university, since they are equally dear to me. Also, I decided that I will try to pursue a career that involves knowledge of both fields and I'm rather sure such a thing is possible, plausible and pleasureable.

Therefore, while worried about my exams, I think the future, my future, is bright. But not orange, definitely not orange. I think I found my call and now that I know what to do with my life, I'm no longer so insecure about the path I will take and the things I will do.

Always

2011-06-15T00:03:00.000+03:00

2011-06-03T19:59:00.002+03:00

So many problems, so little time and not enough money. But hey, I'm a lucky bitch, I got love :)

2011-05-21T05:10:00.000+03:00

99 din 100- not such a big deal.

2011-05-21T05:01:00.001+03:00

Nu e ok
Să zâmbeşti
Pentru că ai fost invitat, pentru ca ai fost validat, întâmpinat, fotografiat. - Write of Fictions

2011-05-19T02:04:00.001+03:00

Protect me from the truth.

2011-05-09T19:58:00.003+03:00

I hate it when I try to be nice and then I only get shit back. I didn't know that for being nice I deserve shit. This might be some new trend...

2011-04-28T19:23:00.002+03:00

Corinne Bailey Rae, reading about Star Wars and mythology, yummy tea and time that passes without wrinkling the little thing we have. I want to follow my bliss. Let the good times roll, smile!

2011-04-14T23:48:00.000+03:00

You sure you wanna be with me? I got nothing to give.

2011-04-12T06:40:00.000+03:00

And you'd be so crazy to say goodbye :)

2011-04-05T15:40:00.001+03:00

Now the first kiss means nothing to you and so does this day. It could have been different, but it only got worse.

All sparks will burn out in the end

2011-04-04T22:50:00.001+03:00

I wish I were ugly, fat and stupid. No guy would ever love me, but at least I wouldn't have to watch anyone fall out of love.

2011-03-26T00:26:00.001+02:00

Oh baby you're gonna lose me

2011-03-25T21:12:00.002+02:00

I was planning on studying tonight, but then shit happened. So I'm gonna stay in bed and read sinfest and wish I had gone out with mom tonight and got hammered.

2011-03-16T00:51:00.001+02:00

N-am nevoie de oameni care sa ma ajute sa imi fac iluzii. Ma descurc foarte bine si singura.

2011-03-08T17:43:00.002+02:00

My heart is not perfect, my mind is not perfect. If only...

2011-03-02T20:13:00.002+02:00

I'll never look like a cross between Tila Tequila and Sofia Vergara. Isn't that sad? And I'll never kiss Vanessa Hudgens. And sometimes I wonder: why the fuck am I still your girlfriend? Why? So you can complain on the internet I don't like a cross between those sluts? And that I won't kiss Vanessa Hudgens? And that you won't be able to fap to that?

2011-02-07T02:46:00.002+02:00

Execise in futility

I can see a pattern.

2011-02-06T23:15:00.000+02:00

Yesterday: whiskey and coke, cigarettes, loneliness.
Last night: tequila, beer, mojito, cigarettes, loneliness.
Tonight: cigarettes, loneliness.

2011-01-29T18:48:00.002+02:00

Being lazy on a Saturday afternoon, I watched The Return Of The King, smoked a fag and wished it was summer.

Hope

2011-01-28T15:03:00.002+02:00

Uncertainty is a killer. At this point, I only got hope left. Your silence is confusing me and so do those songs. Do they mean someting? Do they all mean that? Where are you? What are you doing? I no longer know anything about you, your life, the days that have passed, what is on your mind. What made you happy today? How was work this week? What are you going to wear tonight? I hope you'll have fun! Have you tried some new recipe or dungeon? Was your jacket good enough for the weather? Did you get some rest? Are you going to buy that cool knife? Tell me, how was your life lately?

I'm ready now...

2011-01-27T23:10:00.000+02:00

2011-01-27T12:24:00.003+02:00

I miss you, I miss you so bad and the collision of your kiss that makes it so hard...

2011-01-27T12:15:00.000+02:00

Could you please answer my text message?

2011-01-27T12:00:00.002+02:00

We've been here before, how long will it take for us to get out? Get out of this situation I mean, and talk. Let's talk, I promise I'll listen, you go first. Don't be so distant, don't be so pessimistic. Just talk to me, because we should really talk, don't you think so?

We can live like Jack and Sally if you want

2011-01-26T23:35:00.002+02:00

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight

Come on let me hold you, touch you, feel you, always

2011-01-26T22:48:00.002+02:00

And your hands they shake with goodbyes
And I'll take you back if you'd have me...

2011-01-25T09:39:00.001+02:00

Today I don't want to miss you. But well...

2011-01-25T06:32:00.003+02:00

Today I'm not trying to be pretty, today I'm not trying to be better than I am. Will you take me as I am? Will we last if I am who I am? What if.... what if I have to be someone else for this to work?

2011-01-20T21:16:00.002+02:00

Angrypushedawayoffendedhurtconfusedexhaustedaaargh!!!!!!!!

2011-01-20T01:44:00.006+02:00

Even the one thing I actually thought I was good at is actually, apparently, no more than decent. And all the other things are not even decent and so on. Are there any secrets left? Are there other things to say? Because I'll listen and not speak. I'll shut up and thus become the perfect woman. Submissive, quiet and happy to make you happy. Is that ok with for us? Is that what you need?

The biggest lie I ever told was that I wish I didn't love you

2011-01-17T14:16:00.009+02:00

You kept asking me to just be with you and you kept asking me to have faith in you. And you said I should give you my trust and to confide in you. Then you said so many times how terrible, hysterical and mad I am. And you are right, that's the truth but baby, I'm not simply mad, I'm crazy about you.

We don't know if we're right for each other and we say things we don't mean. I told you I don't know what to do, I said it so many times. Yes, I'm ignorant and immature and we both hate that. But I'll try harder to be better and even if I still don't know what to do, I have a clue...

2011-01-15T06:58:00.003+02:00

I've been awake for 24 hours now. I just can't wait to get some sleep. Unfortunately, when I wake up I have a lot of shit to do so I'll actually get some rest next week, starting with Wednesday I think. Good night, Bucharest!

2011-01-12T08:56:00.002+02:00

Three hours of sleep were enough in your arms, better than a night on my own

2011-01-09T13:28:00.002+02:00

" I'll do anything I can so that our relationship works, and that's because I love you ". I have a feeling that guys say that only in movies...

2010-12-30T13:41:00.002+02:00

I'm not your toy. I'm nobody's toy. So next time you think it will be cool to make fun of me and act like I'm some sort of object placed in your vicinity so that you can humiliate, think again. I'm not here so you can play with my vulnerabilities. You say you care, but you don't act like it. So take your attitude and shove it up your ass.

This doesn't look like December...

2010-12-11T13:12:00.004+02:00

Is this December? Yes, I know, I hate the cold weather but it's here anyway so why don't we have some snow too? At least this city would look nicer, with snowflakes falling down. This should be an insanely happy month , with people loving each other more than ever and friends being closer and everyone trying to be nicer. But all I see is people who forget to love, who forget to care, who forget to give. And I want to give time and affection, but there's no one to give them to.

No computer, no phone, no boyfriend. I don't want to know what's next. And if there's no snow to bury this god forgotten place, at least let the rain fall down from the darkest skies... There's no one left to love like crazy...

2010-12-02T16:56:00.002+02:00

I hate being a girl. To be more specific, I hate being the girl I am. That means I have all sort of unrealistic expectations like having a boyfriend who only wants me, who only thinks of me in that way and so on. Yes, it is my fault for all this because I expect you to want just me.

2010-12-02T16:45:00.002+02:00

Why the fuck bother, why the fuck care? Hey, where's the party cleric? Maybe the anti-magic shell thing can be modified, that would be useful. Or hey, druid, in tree shape or wild shape, do I still have feelings?

Cos you see, fascinate doesn't work, maybe it's because of the low charisma. And we all know my stats are lousy.

2010-12-02T16:24:00.003+02:00

Think about something nice, a surprise for the one you love, in order to make it up for the shit you said and did. And what happens then? You get bitchslapped by reality. Who needs your surprise when there's internet? Who needs your surprise when you can find better things on the internet? Who needs you when all around him there are better things? So yeah, fuck this shit, fuck the idea, fuck what I did. There's nothing left to show because it was all useless. It's not even in recycle bin, not on my phone. It disappeared. My surprise was an exercise in futility.

So go ahead and lie to me, lie to me again, lie to me some more...

Stupid people do stupid things, smart people outsmart each other?

2010-12-01T23:14:00.004+02:00

I got a friend who once told me that I'm a smart girl and I shouldn't be doing such stupid things. Since then, I kept wondering why do I do such stupid things if I'm a smart girl. She may be wrong of course...

[sick and did stupid things again. my grandma hates me.]

2010-11-27T13:35:00.001+02:00

I think I ask for too much from you and the thing that I need most is the thing that I'll never get. And will I ever get what I want if I don't even get what I need?
You can't give me what I need.

2010-11-27T04:38:00.003+02:00

You're such a tease. Your words hit where it hurts most, they hit my vulnerabilities and you make me shake. And sometimes it's hard to understand your attitude, but here I am, loving you with all my heart.

2010-11-26T07:38:00.000+02:00

What's the matter Mary Jane, you had a hard day
As you place the don't disturb sign on the door
You lost your place in line again, what a pity
You never seem to want to dance anymore
It's a long way down
On this roller coaster
The last chance streetcar
Went off the track
And you're on it.
I hear you're counting sheep again Mary Jane
What's the point of trying to dream anymore
I hear you're losing weight again Mary Jane
Do you ever wonder who you're losing it for
Well it's full speed baby
In the wrong direction
There's a few more bruises
If that's the way
You insist on heading

I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love

2010-11-20T13:56:00.003+02:00

Sure, I need money. For cigarettes, for going out, for my girl needs. I need money to buy presents, to call and text people, to buy food when I'm hungry at school and such other things. Yes, I need money, we all do. And if I had the money to buy all the things I mentioned, things that I more or less need, I wouldn't ask for more.

And that's because money can't buy me love. Money can't buy me happiness, peace, balance. With money, I can't buy you a smile when you don't have one and I can't buy us peace when we need it. I can get for Christmas some of the things I'd like to have, I might get the things that money can buy. But what about all those other things, that money just can't buy? I might not get them, but I hope I will.

So, in the end, I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love.

Break another little piece of my heart now, darling

2010-11-18T06:20:00.002+02:00

I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,

Take another little piece of my heart now, baby,
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah.
Hey! Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, yeah.
You know you got it if it makes you feel good,
Oh yes indeed.

You're out on the streets looking good, and baby,
Deep down in your heart I guess you know that it ain't right,
Never never never never never never never hear me when I cry at night.
Baby, I cry all the time!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain,
But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again.

What are you doing...

2010-11-18T01:12:00.001+02:00

One mistake that I'm forever paying for.

2010-11-16T06:37:00.000+02:00

Today's the day
I pray that we make it through.

Make it through the fall,
Make it through it all.

When I come undone
you bring me back again.
Back under the stars,
Back into your arms.

Wanna know who you are,
Wanna know where to start,
I wanna know what this means.

Wanna know how you feel,
Wanna know what is real.
I wanna know everything
Everything!

2010-11-16T06:36:00.001+02:00

Do you love me or the thought of me? Me or the thought of me....?

2010-11-16T06:24:00.001+02:00

Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Confused, lonely, sad and generally fucked up. I need a fag and a phone call...

D&D characters

2010-11-14T16:09:00.005+02:00

When creating a D&D character two things are very important:

- creating a character that you like, so that your gaming experience will be enjoyable

- creating a character the party needs, so that the other party members won't try to kill it when they... hmm, lets' say when they get angry.

Being a not-really-important character makes you take all the blame. Turns out only OP or about to become OP characters are truly needed, and the becoming jack of all trades character can be easily ignored.

To be honest, when thinking about the two, I realised the first one has little importance compared to the second, which seems to be crucial.

2010-11-13T13:48:00.002+02:00

A good friend was really angry at me that day and she said: " You're stupid, you know! You've got a great boyfriend who loves you and all you do is fight! Why can't you just be happy, god damn it? ".

Turns out she was right. I mean, I already knew he loves me and he's great but... I am stupid. I keep screwing things up because I panic so much thinking I must not screw them up that I end up doing it. It's terrible.

Left outside.

2010-11-10T13:22:00.003+02:00

I don't know what you want, I don't know what you think, I don't know what you feel. . What am I to you? Who am I to you?

I'm left outside.

There are six billion people in the world
More or less
And it makes me feel quite small
But you're the one I love the most of all

2010-11-10T13:19:00.001+02:00

Lovely day, lonely heart

2010-11-09T23:22:00.002+02:00

You make fun of me when I'm honest and when I say maybe I shouldn't be this honest, you tell me it's stupid. Well make up your mind. What do you want?

2010-11-06T00:25:00.002+02:00

Seven months with you were like seven minutes in heaven :)

2010-11-04T00:17:00.001+02:00

I miss you. And I'm sorry I don't know how to show you I love you.

Suddenly I'm back at the core, thinking of her who had you before

2010-11-03T22:49:00.001+02:00

2010-11-03T02:12:00.002+02:00

Tonight I got all sentimental and watched mushy scenes from Grey's Anatomy on youtube. I'm still doing that.

2010-10-24T22:57:00.000+03:00

"It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination."
— Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

2010-10-21T06:16:00.003+03:00

It's a feeling that takes over my soul, my body and my mind, a force that opens them and leaves them vulnerable and exposed in front of the world. It's that kind of feeling, mixed with fear that everything I do is useless, regrets and guilt.

I miss you.

2010-10-20T23:26:00.002+03:00

Time spent with you is more important than clothes, bling and other things of that kind. I want that more than any object anyone could give me, as expensive or hard to find it may be.

2010-10-19T21:37:00.002+03:00

When I woke up in the morning and it was raining, it was cold and clouded, when the only thing I could hear was the sound of the pouring rain, I felt the strong need of having you next to me. Oh but who am I kidding? I felt that need since the moment I opened my eyes...

2010-10-19T02:27:00.002+03:00

No sweetheart in the dark to call my own...

2010-10-19T01:45:00.001+03:00

When I'm alone and blue as can be, I dream a little dream of you...

... and in your dreams whatever they may be, dream a little dream of me

You're my first thought in the morning and the last at night

2010-10-16T12:26:00.006+03:00

You're my first thought when I wake up. I think that soon you'll wake up too and hope you had a good sleep.

I brush my teeth and remember how lovely your smile is, I wash my face, I look in the mirror and think about your beautiful eyes. I get dressed and remember what you said about my t-shirt or my jeans. I brush my hair and think about yours.

On the way to the subway station, I remember times when you walked my home. When I'm at the subway station, I remember that you live nearby. When I'm in the subway, I remember we take it together to go downtown. Then, when my subway journey is over, I see the place where you study. I take the bus to school and think that you used to do the same thing when you were in high school.

I get to school and remember you studied there too. I think about you during the breaks and the classes.

I go home, and on my way remember you wanted to pick me up from school, remember when you picked me up from school. And in the evening I think about you and the lovely evenings spent together.

Then I go to sleep. I'm under my blanket, hugging my pillow. And I wish it was you. I dream about sleeping next to you, feeling your breath on my skin. I fall asleep wishing the pillow was you.

You're in my mind throughout the day. You're my first thought in the morning and the last at night.

I give what I can, take what you want

2010-10-15T07:32:00.004+03:00

Today I don't want to be pretty. I won't even try it. Black tee, jeans and boots and that's it.
Today I don't want to be nice. I won't go out for a cigarette or say what's on my mind.
Today I do not wish to speak. I just want to sit on my chair, in the classroom and not think of anything going on around me.
Today I won't leave the thoughts of others invade my mind, today I won't be nice to be around. Worse than usual, not nice at all.
Today I don't want to get out, I don't want to be inside.
Today I want to sleep until tomorrow in a warm room, under a warm blanket.
Today I don't want sounds, I want absolute silence. Or music to cover up the noises.
Today, don't ask me to smile. I'll give what I can, take what you want.

2010-10-14T06:30:00.003+03:00

E o dimineata rece, acoperita de un intuneric ce prezice ca va urma o zi singuratica, plina de rasetele altora. Sper sa ma insel, sper sa ma insel... M-am trezit cu o stare proasta, vreau sa ma bag in pat si sa dorm pana la pranz.

Vreau sa ma bag langa tine in pat, vreau sa ma lipesc de tine si sa dormim pana la pranz :)

Because I love you, try to trust me

2010-10-11T22:06:00.003+03:00

You're a good man, I'm sure of it. I'm a selfish, needy girl. But what in the world could make me stop liking you, stop wanting you? Nothing of the kind happened so far. I gave you my heart and my body and I trust they're in safe hands. I love you. You shouldn't worry about how I'd react, what I'd say or what I'd do. This is how I made my decisions lately, it worked for me; and it may not be a real argument for you, but it is for me: because I love you, try to trust me.

2010-10-11T20:21:00.000+03:00

We're already running out of time and it's just too soon...

I wish...

2010-10-10T01:06:00.002+03:00

I wish there was something I could do to cheer you up.
I wish I could get a job and move in with you.
I wish we could be alone and just forget the world, at least for some time.
I wish I could just take you to a wonderful, peaceful place.
I want to do all these things, but now the only thing I can do is tell you I love you.

Supergrass - Alright

2010-10-08T20:40:00.001+03:00

Oh we're allright :)
I miss you already

Jedi Kitchen Master

2010-10-02T19:21:00.009+03:00

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, the Jedi Kitchen Council determined that young Padawan bakers need custom protective gear for their culinary adventures. The result is this official Star Wars apron made of durable black cotton twill, with a double front pocket large enough for a lightsaber or spatula and an adjustable D-ring on the neck strap for a comfortable fit. May the Force be with you!

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a Jedi master chef used the Force to create dynamic gear for the kitchen. These amazing tools, known as “cookie cutters,” had the power to transform ordinary cookie dough into a delectable cast of galactic characters.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a Jedi Kitchen Master created an epic breakfast to unleash the power of his Jedi Padawan. Using the Force, he created three nonstick steel pancake molds in honor of his favorite galactic heroes and villains: Yoda, Darth Vader and a stormtrooper.

Transform your Jedi's favorite sandwiches into high-energy fuel for lunches, snacks and parties with Millennium Falcon and Darth Vader’s TIE fighter sandwich cutters. Created by the Jedi Kitchen Council to celebrate the Rebel Alliance's victory over the evil Empire, these cutters are fun and easy to use -- just press and cut.

2010-09-25T23:27:00.002+03:00

Everyday you make my black, raisin heart get bigger and bigger. If I were able to show the world how I feel, this cold city would turn into Candyland, every sad face would turn to smiles and laughter and instead of car horns and curses, we'd have joyous songs.

But all I can do is to tell you I love you. And your eyes, your hair, your voice, your beard, your thoughts, your body, your soul. I love waking up next to you, feeling the warmth of your body and the warmth of your heart. I don't need to say anything, I don't need you to say anything. Being in your arms is all I need. I can watch you sleep, watch you cook, walk right next to you. We can walk Dog together, go for a drink, watch a movie or gaze at the stars. Days get better, more beautiful as we get closer and closer.

2010-09-24T23:25:00.001+03:00

Feeling weak and sleepy, yet loved and taken care of. And that makes up for sickness, bad days and pessimism. Having you is wonderful.

Moo!

2010-09-21T10:55:00.001+03:00

How sweet of you not to sleep only to try to see me, how sweet of you that you dropped by last night. Aww....

2010-09-17T14:54:00.002+03:00

You took me to Regents Park

It was chill and it was dark

With your lips on top of mine

And your blonde hair and blue eyes...

* dreamy face *

Indecision to call you...

2010-09-13T19:14:00.002+03:00

I could try rock'n'roll...

2010-09-13T19:07:00.005+03:00

a change-your-life-forever tune

If a song could get me you...

2010-09-13T18:25:00.002+03:00

I've been staring at a blank page for a few minutes. I don't have much to say, just that I'd love to hear your voice. I just want to talk to you, tell you I love you.

But I'll just stay here and wait for a sign. I'll leave you alone until you decide you had enough time alone or you decide anything else and you want to tell me. I won't put pressure on you, I won't ask you to go gout with me or talk to me. Even if right now I'm dying to call you, I'm dying to say " hello ", I'm dying to see you.

I'll just wait and wait, for something, wait for you.

2010-09-13T02:50:00.000+03:00

Haide vino, vino, sa fim iar amandoi...

2010-09-12T23:39:00.003+03:00

I... I don't know what to say. Just that it hurts. It hurts so fucking bad. It breaks my heart...

And I don't love you less when you hurt me. It just hurts more because I love you.

Have no fear

2010-09-12T14:08:00.003+03:00

I'm not afraid of myself. Sometimes I fail at this whole " improving myself " thing. But I'm not afraid. I'm being optimistic and I hope for better. I'm not afraid of failing anymore, because that does not let me win.

I'm not afraid of you and what you could do. You could hurt me, and I could hurt you too. But I know you don't want to and I know I don't want to. I'm not afraid of you. I love you, even when you're upset or angry. I don't love you less because you're not affectionate and kind. I love you just as much even when I am angry or upset.

I have no fear. I have only the love I want to give and the dream of happiness and you see, I want to share them both with you. And I want to wake up every day with your beautiful voice and beautiful smile, the warmth of your body and the warmth of your heart.

Something I've only dreamed of

2010-09-07T22:56:00.001+03:00

I have now what I have always dreamed of: a man who loves me for who I am. It’s puzzling, I have to admit. When for most of your life you feel worthless and someone says to you they love you and you know they mean it, well… it’s hard to understand why. But that does not mean I don’t appreciate it. You see, it’s the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. I know I have complained about how I don’t deserve what you give me but it’s not because I don’t appreciate it. It’s because I don’t feel like I give you the best of me and whenever I feel that way, it’s frustrating.

But I do appreciate what you give me. Your presence is soothing. You don’t even have to say anything. You just have to be there. Hearing you breathe, looking at you, seeing you smile, even watching you as you play wow… it’s soothing. Having you around is something I don’t want to lose. You make me feel like you can see right inside me, like you know me better than anyone else. It doesn’t even scare me. It makes me feel comfortable. You know all my insecurities and yet, I feel safe with you. I wish you’d still believe in me… But hopefully I can make things right.

This thing we have makes me want to shape my soul they way I want it to be. It gives me the will to actually try. It makes me ask for more from myself, it makes me have expectations. I’ve only had dreams, I’ve only had illusions. I never tried. Now, that I have expectations from myself, it’s like I’m already changing, somehow.

Sometimes your presence- and nothing else- makes my heart melt.

I never expected to meet someone like you, I never expected to have you. I have only dreamed of it. Now that I have it, I’m happy. I’ve never been this happy before.

2010-09-06T15:49:00.001+03:00

I could really use a wish right now... or starchasers :)

Fucking hypocrites

2010-09-06T03:40:00.000+03:00

This thing that happened made me ask myself what's next. You took away my privacy and it's all I had in this place. No good feeling, no good memory. I hate being here and the only reason I haven't left yet is that I have nowhere to go. Not yet.

I can't believe this happened. Who do you think you are? How dare you do that? And how dare you be angry at something you do too? Cos I know you do. Hypocrites, that's what you are. Fucking hypocrites, preaching about morality and then asking me to lie for you. You are just as sinful as I am, if not even more sinful. At least I don't lie to everybody and pretend to be the purest of the pure. But you think you have the right to judge, to preach and teach your values of high morality when I know what you do. And you never respect your principles. They only exist when you want to show me how wrong I am, when you want to feel superior, to show me how high you are, compared to me. You see, compared to you, I feel pure, I really do.

Why should I listen to what " god " says if I don't even believe in him? Your god is a fake. Your god is a lie. Just like you. Your god threats us with hell and bribes us with heaven and never actually teaches us anything. The believers do what is asked from them as a result of fear and being fanatics, not because they are truly respectable and pure. I loathe this religion based on fear instead of love. I utterly despise it, just like I despise you. Take your fake god and shove it up your ass.

I hate you, I really do. I hate your hypocrisy, your self righteousness, your arrogance.

I can't wait to leave this place and I hope never to come back....

2010-09-06T03:21:00.003+03:00

I'm the kind of girl people notice because of the annoying voice, the incessant laughter, the immature attitude and the silly look on my face. That kind of look that says " hey look at me, I'm stupid! ". And that's that. That's the unpleasant truth.